A Much needed thing for me

Silence isnt always bliss, i should know. Being silent about so many things for so long hasnt really helped me much. I'm not really sure why i decided to stay silent, let everyone else do the talking and just stand on the sidelines trying not to look troubled. May have made the others feel better, but me, not so much. I still feel like a nervous wreck sometimes. Dont really know why I didnt really open up or anything, i mean there are umpteen people i know i can talk to and who i know wont judge anything i say and will be there for me, i just dont know. Maybe its easier to write things down in places like these where people barely read stuff, (grin) i mean after the massive writers block i'm pretty sure i lost all my loyal fan following, that is if i had any. Its not like i get comments anymore is it!!?
The fact remains that i still have to deal with all these problems.
My taiji(my dads elder brothers wife) passed away last week, and i havnt been able to express how sad i am, i couldnt scream or cry, all i did was punch the wall. I didnt cry for days, and then i finally broke down. I still feel weird about it knowing that i was the one who helped carry that body, first from the mortuary to the house, then back down six flights of stairs to the herse and carrying the body to the crematorium where i actually helped put her onto the carrier which put her into the electric furnace. It was the first time i ever did something like this, and i was never close to guessing how unnerving it is. I dont know how i can live with the fact that it was my hands that helped put her in that furnace. It just hurts. As my mom and Bhua( dads sister) recall, as a kid i was really close to my tai, i once said, i dont have a tai, i have 2 moms.
I dont feel unto discussig my other problem anymore. Writing this down has taken alot.
But maybe writing about that will help me feel better about that too.
The fact that my girlfriend and i broke up a couple of days before my taiji passed away. Her reasons are understandable, but its still hard, added with everything thats going on with me right now, and i cant bring myself to tell her how exactly i feel because i know how I'll over react to everything going on around me. I just have to get through this whole thing.
That does make me feel better. I guess spilling, or atleast partially spilling your guts out in writting on a page people barely ever visit is a good thing, you can feel better about telling someone without actually worrying about anything it.